FULL CIRCLE
I hope these doors never open. Shit. What the fuck am I gonna say? “Yeah, I know baby but Daddy’s gotta leave you for four months. Daddy’s more important.” If she wasn't so damn smart this wouldn’t be so hard. Her big brown eyes are gonna look up at me like daggers into my heart. She knows how long a time four months is, even though it’s only a fraction of her own life. The kid is three years old and just the other morning reminded me of my doctor’s appointment. She’s definitely not her mother.
I absolutely despise the fact that if I hadn’t screwed around when I was younger, I wouldn’t be screwing up my own daughter’s life right now. Maybe it won’t be that bad, and things will go back to normal when I come back. Or maybe she’ll remember every time I wasn’t there for her and hate me forever. How I left her.
“Daddy why do you have to go to school? You’re a man already.” Her chopped up toddler speak prides me and shames me at the same time. She’s right. If I hadn’t waited so long, I could have gotten a better job, and stepped up and asked Ash to marry me when I should have. I wish I could stop dwelling on the past but my little ball of curious joy is a constant reminder of how I need to do better. Leaving her is the first step.